I’ve noticed a pattern emerging in my emails. It appears that the Internet is really worried about me and only wants what’s best for me.

  • It believes I could shed 31 pounds in 3 weeks by using salt to dissolve my body fat or by hindering carb absorption — like Oprah did
  • It thinks I should try to qualify for a lower mortgage rate
  • It thinks I should spray my way to health
  • It wants me to avoid the “pain of exclusion”
  • It has some ideas about burial insurance I should consider
  • It thinks I should go to nursing school
  • It wants me to double my IQ in 30 days by taking one tiny pill
  • It wants me to “live it up with exciting horoscope readings”
  • It wants me to find the right cable service for my needs
  • It’s concerned that my automotive warranty is out of date
  • It wants me to know about the shocking lies that hinder health and the evil masterminds behind them
  • It wants me to learn about safe bathing with a walk-in tub
  • It wants to help me fix my sad secret
  • It’s worried I’m consuming too much water

It’s OK, Internet, I was fine before you were invented.

While I find you pretty useful and a great resource most of the time, if I want your advice, I’ll ask Google for it.

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