I’ve noticed a pattern emerging in my emails. It appears that the Internet is really worried about me and only wants what’s best for me.

• It believes I could shed 31 pounds in 3 weeks by using salt to dissolve my body fat or by hindering carb absorption — like Oprah did
• It thinks I should try to qualify for a lower mortgage rate
• It thinks I should spray my way to health
• It wants me to avoid the “pain of exclusion”
• It has some ideas about burial insurance I should consider
• It thinks I should go to nursing school
• It wants me to double my IQ in 30 days by taking one tiny pill
• It wants me to “live it up with exciting horoscope readings”
• It wants me to find the right cable service for my needs
• It’s concerned that my automotive warranty is out of date
• It wants me to know about the shocking lies that hinder health and the evil masterminds behind them
• It wants me to learn about safe bathing with a walk-in tub
• It wants to help me fix my sad secret
• It’s worried I’m consuming too much water

It’s OK, Internet, I was fine before you were invented.

While I find you pretty useful and a great resource most of the time, if I want your advice, I’ll ask Google for it.